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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  June 3, 2014 1:33am-2:04am PDT

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>> our show. >> when i was first listening to him i was like oh, he's angry with women for rejecting him. then i started to have a different idea. is this someone who is trying to fight against his comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh captioning sponsored by comedy central >> stephen: thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen.
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welcome to the report. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, steve only, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you so much. good to have you with us. please, everybody, first off, everybody at home watching right now, i want to thank everybody in here, out there, all around the world. but if you are just-- if are you just joining our broadcast already in progress, you may be noticing this. (laughter) this will all be explained later. (laughter) for now just enjoy the ride. (laughter) i know i am. but first, folks, it's a great day for america. and i could not be angrier about it. (laughter)
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i try getting angrier and i couldn't do it because i started getting happy about how angry i was. (laughter) >> and it's all because of major news from our war in afghanistan. first we're still fighting in afghanistan. (laughter) who knew that thing was still going. it's like the "grey's anatomy" of war. (laughter) but this weekend, the conflict grabbed headlines. >> a u.s. soldier captured by the taliban five years ago is free and he's coming home. bowe bergdahl, sergeant united states army. the taliban snatched him while on deployment to eastern afghanistan in 2009. today he is safe and in u.s. military hands. >> stephen: that's right, afghan veteran bowe bergdahl is safe unless he needs the va health system any time soon. then, then there will be a bit of a wait. but bergdahl's freedom wasn't free. you see obama negotiated bergdahl's return for five tlb detainees held at
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guantanamo. >> he can't release these guys. we were this close to charging them with something. (laughter) and minot the only one out there who is absolutely adamant about both of his feelings on this. >> obviously we should be happy for the family. they've got be their loved one back, that's very, very important. the methodology and what we used is very troublesome, negotiating with terrorists. >> it is cause for celebration when an american is returned home. we negotiated with terrorists. >> first of all, we are all happy that an american has been returned to his family. this was not the right thing. >> yes t is a victory and a defeat. the whole situation has us pumping our fists with joy while shaking it in anger. (laughter) okay, iting loos like, it's like i'm masturbating a tall man on a trampoline. (cheers and applause)
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it is a celebration that is also very troubling. like a pizza party for hitler's birthday. was it fun? yes. do i regret it? (laughter) so as happy as i am that sergeant bergdahl is coming home t also means five terrorists are now free to roam in a treeless desert patrolled only by our pred der drones. oh-- oh, well, you enjoy that freedom, fellas. nation, i love every state in america equally. coy never pick a favorite but gun to my head i say florida. the state where i would most likely have a gun to my head. the sunshine state produce produces-- sunshine state produces some of america's most popular laws like stand your ground. a law that will leave feud floridians wondering what was ground? and tonight, i profile one floridian who doesn't just
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stand his ground, he stands your ground. jim? >> this is big pine key florida. neighborly, tranquil-- what the [bleep] this is doug varrier. he shoots guns in his yard and he is a difference maker like so many patriots before him doug varrier's love of freedom has ruffled a few feathers. no one likes him at all. he's obnoxious, unconsiderate, crazy. >> overbearing, wednesday ego isn't rick. >> ignorant. >> annoying. >> crystal clear. >> a real cook. >> very pushy.
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>> assinine. >> very confrontational. >> self-centered. >> he has a tendency to annoy people. >> he's wacko. >> but what some call wacko, others call hero ico because doug has just exercising his second amendment rights close to home. count us in, doug. >> 3, 2, 1. in my i built a target practice area. the target is four foot tall 3 foot wide, 8 inches thick. >> this is doug's house. this is doug's yard. these are doug's neighbors. this is one of the most heavily trafficked canals on big pine keys. and this is monroe county commissioner george nugent. >> there are very safe gun ranges in close proximity to doug's home which codrive to and shoot his gun there. >> from where i live, an indoor gun range is just simply too far to go when i can stand on my side yard
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and shoot on my own range. >> why should i have to get shot because he won't drive 20 minutes to a gun range. >> why? for the same reason he can fire towards kayakers in the canal. >> he explained to me that it was his second amendment right and he was going continue to do it. >> there is nothing illegal about me shooting in my backyard. even if there is a boat and a kid. >> he's 20 feet from one of the busiest canals on big pine key and he really didn't care. he just turned around and walked away. >> i don't care. >> you rarely find that kind of civil discourse anywhere in america. but this isn't anywhere, this is florida. >> our local department told us that we could not preempt in any way doug from firing the weapon in his backyard. >> it's against the law for you to stop me. the truth is, if you do stop me, then you'll be in violation of state law, can be removed from your job, fined $5,000 and have no access to any public funds
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for defense. that's the law. just because it's legal doesn't make it right. >> no. what makes it right is doug's state of the art safety precautions. >> count again 3, 2, 1. >> my target practice area is very, very safe. >> case closed. >> it is not safe whatsoever. >> oh really? >> well, listen doug's foolproof security system. >> before anybody fires a shot, we ask for an all-clear from our lookout. >> these are doug's lookouts. (laughter) >> mom and dad they're lookout. she may say clear or may say go, and she may say no. being 85 years old, she bounces around. >> you got that nervous nellies. how much safer does he need to get. >> nice and loud, are we clear. >> you're clear son. >> clear. >> range is hot it does
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anti-gun nut neighbors who are really disturbing the peace. >> his neighbors are just going bat [bleep] crazy, there's a lot of screaming going on. >> there are elderly people sitting there with your back to bullets flying out of a .357, a .38 and a .380. that's not smart. >> i think the ones that are against it just don't like guns. >> i'm all for guns, i really am. i do not hate guns. >> then why dow want to take his guns away. >> i don't want to take his guns away. i just don't want a bullet in my head while i'm sitting on the porch after a hard day killing bug. >> i'm only 120 feet away from being shot. >> this is not set up to i gun range. >> it just goes on and on, doesn't she.
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>> so is there any downside to doug shooting guns in his neighborhood. >> if you were to miss the target, it's possible coshoot one of his parents. >> i don't know if a ricochet bullet will kill me. if so, i guess i'll die. that's how i feel about it. >> if only we all could be so sensibly resigned to the icy grip of death. for the record, doug, do you ever miss. >> do i ever miss my intended target? >> good enough. but some naysayers like big gun club safety officer jordan wellshell says missing is possible. >> eventually at some point everybody misses the target. these are all people that have completely missed the target. >> but even if he does miss, doug has a backup safety plan. >> to give the neighbors a sense of safety, i put these vehicles on both sides of my target practice area. >> that completely blocks -- >> nass's good. >> i got a wall between me and then. >> satisfied, neighbors?
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now there's a wall of truck. >> doug parking his truck to block any chances of a ricochet, probably not a good idea seeing the fact that it is full of fuel. >> yeah there is that. >> ♪ ♪ better take cover ♪ buy once more ♪ everybody knows there's nothing they can do ♪ ♪. >> i tripped. >> difference made. >> we'll be right back. (cheers and applause)
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>> welcome back, everybody. now for those of you just tuning into "the colbert report" tonight i want to assure you that yes, yes, this is happening. (laughter) and i grew it specifically to go toe-to-toe with tonight's guest frank economist and professor who seduces your girlfriend during her semester abroad. thomas piketty. >> he is attack our way of life from a to the best-seller list. the number one best selling book on amazon right now, a 700 page book packed with terms like disequalibria an and-- the book has already sold about 85,000 copies including ebooks and the harvard university press has ordered on hand for another 90,000. and every one is talking about it. >> this book is like the harry potter of economic policy. >> whoa. >> it's true. in fact, the full tight sell
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capitol in the 21st century harry potter and the deathly boring. (laughter) it's your classic breezy 700 page heavily attended beach read. but analyzes over 200 years of economic data from 20 countries. and the big take away, folks s that the free market system has a natural tendency towards increasing the concentration of wealth because the rate of return on property and investments has consistently been higher than the rate of economic growth, g. which has been reduced to the catchy formula r is greater than g. (laughter) you've seen it on all the t-shirts. or you will because i'm now selling these t-shirts on my web site. (cheers and applause) okay. all right. of course all proceed goes to me so i can prove that this is true. and folks, this formula is
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nothing new. remember the old saying the rich get richer and the poor should really try being rich. it's nice. (laughter) and here's my major bone to piketty with tom. he thinks we need a progressive global tax on capital that could skyrocket to a punitive 80% tax rate on income above 500,000 dollars. 80%. that's an increase of -- -- 80% more than i pay now. >> i'm not going to take it. this punitive tax rate here. and here's where this comes in.
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okay. i in solidarity my personal friend billion air industrialist-- you see, if piketty had his way and tony was coving up 80% tax, he is not a billionaire any more and can't afford to be ironman then who is saving new york from the invaders, hawkeye, yeah, after he gets there on the bus. billionaires, billionaires, billionaires protect us. and tonight i protect them. i got your back, tony. (laughter) when we return i will sit down with french economist thomas piketty so i can give him a piece of my mind while denying him a piece of my wealth. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) oh no they've put up a sign.
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>> welcome back, everybody, my guest tonight is-- don't worry, poor people will never know. please welcome thomas piketty. hey, mr. piketty, thanks for coming on. mr. piketty, bienvenue. jesuis colbert. all right, you're king mayor
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of economics right now. you got this new book called capital in the 2 1st century. why are you crying-- trying to tear down the western economic system and replace it with socialist redistribution of wealth? >> i'm not trying to do that. >> your accent sounds like you are. (laughter) >> you know, you know, i have never had-- i am just trying to see how we can insurance that everyon everyone-- benefits from globalization. >> benefits how, like take my money and give it to a poor person. >> no, no. (laughter) >> how do we benefit everybody. >> we want all to have access to education, good paying jobs. right now it's minimum wage in countries lower than what it was in the 60s.
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and a century ago. maybe that is not the best we can do. i'm not saying you can multiply by three but just -- >> maybe we shouldn't say triple maybe we should just double it and work 30 hour workweeks like they do over in paris, right, then the farmers can bring their frakters in and stop the traffic and we'll all take two months off in the summertime and have-- maybe that's-- (cheers and applause) >> you know, yet in europe, we believe that one of the-- is to work less, have more vacation and take care of your-- but you can make a different choice and that's fine. >> you can make a different choice. you can make a different choice and be a world superpower, okay. united states sitting on top of the pile here. don't we have the right to have our economic system benefit us and maybe not the rest of the world. >> sure, as long as it benefits you.
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>> benefits me. benefits me. >> i was talking of the country. >> i am america. >> go ahead. so how is-- let's talk about how did that affect say members move my audience, the average american, what does r is greater than g how does that affect our lives. >> it means that your g is close to you. you have no growth so stagnant and so it is-- you have some initial wealth it makes it easier -- >> it sounds like your argument is that capitalism benefits capitallism. >> well, when you have a low-growth rate then it does benefit the rich more than poor. >> wait a second.
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who gets to say it ought to. i'm the one that takes the risk. i'm the job creator. >> right, are you the job creator but you want a new group of people to be able to-- inequality is fine up to a point but-- you know, it's not good because you want -- >> let's take that for a second. >> please, please, we're trying to have a conversation, do not applaud my facial hair while the man is talk. okay, let's talk about that idea. that you want mobility. you want mobility. inequality is bad because you want mobility. but if i am already mobiled up to the place i want to be, isn't it better for me to pull up the ladder behind me. and it makes things better because then i can be
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charitable with money that i don't even miss to all the poor people i can easily find. >> no, it is better to -- >> thank you, thank you. >> of course. >> in fact, this country has progressive taxation of income. and somehow we focus on that since the 1980s because the country is moving in a different direction. >> because reagan came in and it was morning in america. >> it was morning in america except that the growth performance of america was actually better in the 60s and 70s that in the 1980s. so if you look at that you have inequality everywhere except the growth. if you take the growth performance of the u.s., you have 1.5 percent growth rate. so you know, compare that to
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people like you. >> this is not a good deal for the rest of the population. >> really -- >> well. >> they should get their own tv show. thomas, thank you so much for joining me. (cheers and applause) >> thomas piketty, capital in the 2 1st century. we'll be right back. [ male announcer ] you know that guy that witnessed that thing he shouldn't have and got put in that program you're not supposed to know about? he gets to go away for a while to a place we can't talk about and eat velveeta shells & cheese. liquid gold. eat like that guy you know. liquid gold. in the framily!m >>the more people we have, the more we save. he already owes me money for like 4 pizzas. >>we all get separate bills. besides, if you don't like gordon why did you invite him this weekend? i didn't invite him. he just, like, shows up! >>it's pronounced gor-don. hey let's go, honey ! those tacos ain't going to eat themselves over there. >>tacos! you look great, by the way. start a sprint framily and everyone gets separate bills. the bills are separate?
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and then a cake with some cake inside for all the people that love some cake. ooh i like him. let's find out his tuxedo size. yeah i'm back! what's that? oh yeah yeah, no it's perfect. did i already order ice? bud light is creating a town this summer and you can go. find out more on bigger than a giant el camino on monster tires. and bolder than taking that behemoth and breaking the world bus-jumping record by 2 1/2 buses. [ screaming ] [ screaming ] [ male announcer ] and they're crunchy. [ engine revs ] crunchier than driving through a fine china shop that sells professional-grade fireworks out of the back. ♪ doritos jacked. bigger. bolder. thicker. >> stephen: that's it for the report, everybody. good night. (cheers and applause)y comedy central
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captioned by media access group at wgbh it's 11:59 and 59 seconds. and we are back at work! after ahiah us the. so. >> a hiatus, i hate free time. the internet however never goes on hiatus. while we are gone, kim and kanye got married and the news basically killed maya angelou. >> proving that not all fox affiliates understand the concept of death. can you read that? >> cancels houston appearance on friday. also a video hit youtube of justin bieber maybe ago racist joke and now he won't be able to own the clippers at any point. [ applause ]